


City Lights

by PeachyRenjun



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, approximately five seconds of humor, blink and you miss it side pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-08 08:44:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17383382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyRenjun/pseuds/PeachyRenjun
Summary: Yunho regrets every time he falls into bed with Taeyong, but he can't let him go either.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely self-indulgent and written to procrastinate writing an essay. Enjoy.

Yunho is selfish.

It’s something he accepted about himself a long time ago, when he used to be able to plaster Jaejoong to his sheets and pretend that what they had would last forever. It was his selfishness--perhaps combined with Jaejoong’s instincts for self-preservation and Changmin’s immaturity--that nearly tore them apart emotionally, irreparably, rather than simply legally. Time heals, though, even if it doesn’t really change them. Never _really_ changes any of them.

Yunho knows that this is foolish, that it’s selfish, that it’s longing for something that he can’t hold onto. But he still presses a kiss to Taeyong’s lips, runs his hands over the much smaller, slimmer hips that sit upon his own. He still allows the younger man to rut against him, to sink into his hold and beg him for more, to beg Yunho to fuck him. Yunho can’t deny the lust that runs through him, seeping into every inch of his being when he feels Taeyong against him, when he sees that teasing smile and manages to reduce him to begging. Taeyong’s strong, a leader in his own right, and yet he bends under Yunho’s touch with so little effort.

Yunho’s fucked him more than once, over the years. There were the earlier times, closer to Taeyong’s debut, where Yunho told himself that he couldn’t let lust control him and instead just kissed Taeyong lightly and let the younger rut against his leg until he came, leaving Yunho alone with a hard-on and his fantasies. Things escalated from there, of course. Taeyong was always the one to initiate it, because Yunho would feel too much like he was taking advantage of the younger if he did it--he knows how much Taeyong likes him, how much he looks up to him, that he wanted to become an idol _because of Yunho_ \--but Taeyong always came to him, sooner or later. They’ve never talked about what this is, and Yunho’s pretty sure Taeyong has feelings for someone within his own group, but that’s for the best. It’s not like Yunho wants Taeyong solely for Taeyong.

Yunho hesitates, the first time that Heechul invites Yunho out for drinks and suggests that he bring Taeyong along because “we have to introduce him to everyone, don’t we?” That’s code, of course, for letting Taeyong meet Jaejoong, perhaps the other JYJ members and maybe even Hangeng if Heechul’s managed to get in touch with him during the few weeks per year he’s in Korea. It’s Jaejoong that Yunho worries about though, because Jaejoong is far too perceptive.

“Don’t be nervous,” Yunho whispers in Taeyong’s ear, even though he’s nervous himself. “I’m sure they’ll be excited to meet you.”

Taeyong takes a deep breath and nods, following Yunho as they reach the door of Heechul’s apartment. Yunho lets himself in, knowing the key code out of necessity--Heechul needs people who can check on him without his permission--and leads Taeyong into the living room. Heechul is on one couch, Kyuhyun and Hangeng on either side of him, and Jaejoong is on the adjacent one, pressed loosely between Changmin and Junsu. Junsu excepted, they’ve all got wine glasses in hand and--from the looks of the bottles across the table in the middle of the room--those glasses were not the first.

“I hope we’re not too late,” Yunho sits down on the final couch, pulling Taeyong by the wrist to sit beside him. Taeyong still looks nervous, and Yunho puts an arm around his shoulder to try and calm him. “There was a bit of traffic on the way.”

“Not too late at all,” Heechul says, briefly extracting himself from the arm tucked around his waist to grab the two glasses remaining in the center of the table and pour some wine into each. Yunho accepts his own glass with ease, watching with a careful eye as Taeyong accepts his as well. “Everyone here knows Taeyong, right?”

“I’ve heard about him,” Jaejoong says, his lips curling as he stares into Yunho’s eyes. He takes a sip of his wine, and Yunho feels a shiver run down his back. “This is my first time meeting him in person, though.”

“Hyung, don’t be so creepy.” Junsu smacks Jaejoong lightly on his shoulder, but Jaejoong doesn’t seem to react at all. “It’s really nice to meet you, Taeyong.”

“You too, Sunbaenim,” Taeyong responds, the nerves evident in his voice.

“Just hyung is fine,” Junsu says. “And you can do the same for Jaejoong-hyung, even if he’s trying to be ominous.”

“I am not--”

“Yes you are.” Junsu smiles at Jaejoong even as he says it, leans his head onto Jaejoong’s shoulder. “You aren’t that scary, hyung. You’re like a teddy bear that’s covered in spikes. Scary looking, but actually really cuddly.”

“I mean I wouldn’t cuddle a teddy bear if it was covered in spikes,” Changmin comments into his wine glass, and Kyuhyun bursts out laughing at the comment.

“You know what I mean!” Junsu tries to lean over Jaejoong to hit Changmin, but he ends up just falling halfway across Jaejoong’s lap, Jaejoong somehow managing to come through the whole thing with a straight face, still holding his wine glass.

Taeyong laughs into Yunho’s shoulder as he watches the scene unfold, and Yunho lets his arm slip down to Taeyong’s waist, even though he knows it will just make Jaejoong even more suspicious. Maybe he wants that, wants Jaejoong to know and confront him because then it won’t be a secret that he has to keep from Jaejoong, might even persuade him to finally use his guilt to stop this, to let Taeyong fall for someone in his own group, someone his own age, someone who deserves him more than Yunho does. All these years later, and Yunho would still do anything Jaejoong told him. Almost anything, anyway.

It’s an hour later, after Kyuhyun and Changmin start confessing to completely unnecessary crimes that Yunho never wants to hear about and Heechul drags Hangeng off to one of the other rooms in the apartment that Jaejoong finally does something about the air that’s obviously hanging over the two of them. Jaejoong whispers something in Junsu’s ear, running a hand over Junsu’s thigh, and then Junsu is pulling Taeyong up from his place next to Yunho on the couch, leading him out to the balcony with an excuse that Junsu wants to tell him some particular story--from his description, likely one that Yunho has already told him. Jaejoong is on his feet within seconds of the door shutting, grabbing Yunho by the wrist and pulling him out of the room without a single word or even a glance to Yunho’s face.

Jaejoong leads them into the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it as Yunho settles, leaning back against Heechul’s disorganized countertop. “You’re fucking him.”

“Yes, and?”

Any pretense that Jaejoong had of being pleasant--a thin pretense at that--drops. “He’s nine years younger than you. You’re his fucking idol, do you really think he’d say no to anything you asked him to do?” He takes slow steps toward Yunho, his arms crossed over his body and revealing just how different Jaejoong is now--physically at least--from a decade ago. “And to top it all off, he looks so much like me that it makes it hard for me to believe that that’s not the only reason you’re fucking him.

“It’s been a decade, Yunho, nearly ten fucking years and yet you’re still not over it.” He’s too close to Yunho now, the kind of distance that used to be so comfortable for them. “Don’t you think that’s a little pathetic? That after all these years you’re still chasing me when I moved on from you years ago?”

“Have you?” Yunho challenges him, leaning in until their lips are nearly knocking together with every syllable, a mockery of the intimacy that this closeness used to bring. “Wasn’t it you that said that you’d always be a part of TVXQ? That we’d always be together in spirit?”

“I said TVXQ. I never said anything about you and me.” He backs off, moving to unlock the door, perhaps because he knows Yunho too well, knows that there’s nothing that Yunho can say in response to that. “Just think about what I said, alright? Taeyong deserves better than this.”

Yunho doesn’t respond, because Jaejoong’s right. He always is.

Yunho’s still selfish though, and even if he pushes Taeyong away for a few months after, politely finding excuses not to be alone with the younger or insisting that their time together be strictly platonic, he always bends eventually.

Eventually turns out to be when Taeyong is on Yunho’s couch, the notebook where Taeyong keeps his lyric ideas falling to the floor as Taeyong climbs into Yunho’s lap once again, whispering, “Hyung, please, I need you,” into his ear as he goes. Yunho bends, letting his lust overwhelm him as he lets his fingers slip beneath the hem of Taeyong’s jeans, a promise to himself that this will be the last time lingering on his lips.

That’s the first and only time that Taeyong stays the night. It’s that time, and that time alone, that he hears Taeyong cry out a name that isn’t his, that Yunho lets Jaejoong’s name slip past his own lips because they’ve established, now, once and for all, that this is what they are to each other. Replacements. Artificial, just like the lights from the city around them that peek through the windows in Yunho’s bedroom and remind them that they are never truly alone in a city as crowded as Seoul.

The dawn comes before they can fall asleep, and Yunho pulls himself away from Taeyong as the sunlight seeps through the windows, the lights of the city subsumed by the new day. “You should go,” Yunho says, as he tugs on boxers and sweatpants and tries not to notice how much Taeyong looks like Jaejoong--like a younger Jaejoong, the Jaejoong that Yunho fell in love with over a decade ago--in the soft morning light. “We shouldn’t do this again.”

“Why not?” Taeyong says, even as he obeys, sliding out from between the sheets to collect his own pieces of clothing that are scattered across Yunho’s floor.

“You deserve better,” Yunho responds, because that’s the best response he can give without further explanation. “Someone closer to your own age.”

Taeyong doesn’t fight that, doesn’t question it. Perhaps he reads the words beneath it, or perhaps he doesn’t need to. He walks out of Yunho’s apartment in the growing light of the new day, his pouting lips and resigned, only slightly resentful eyes ever so familiar.

Not for the first time, Yunho lets Jaejoong go.


	2. Jaejoong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is also self-indulgent and written on a whim. Partially inspired by a comment on the last chapter (yes, I promise I read comments even if I don't usually reply) saying they'd be interested in seeing other points of view in the story. I probably won't write a continuation from Taeyong's pov just because I do want his other love interest to be up to reader interpretation, but I thought it was rather interesting to explore Jaejoong's side here.

Yunho is a friend--that’s what Jaejoong says to people now, when they ask. It wasn’t true for a few years, and before that, the word would have hardly sufficed to describe what they had. But that’s what they are now. Friends. Nothing more, nothing less. There’s no emotional baggage that they’ve had to continuously ignore, no words of deep love and deep hatred that they keep stored in the back of their minds, never to bring up again. Of course not. Friends.

“Hyung.” Jaejoong turns his head at the soft voice. Junsu is back now, beside him on the couch, returned from whatever menial task he had abandoned Jaejoong for half an hour ago. “You were zoning out. Hard.”

“Sorry, Su,” Jaejoong says. He places a gentle, muscular hand on Junsu’s thigh, noting with satisfaction the way that Junsu leans into his touch. “I shouldn’t ignore you, should I?”

“I’d prefer you not,” Junsu says, a quieter version of his explosive laughter evident beneath his voice. Jaejoong smiles at him, at his beautiful, handsome Junsu. Junsu. The one he never would have expected to still be by his side so many years later, after all that they’ve been through. But here Junsu is--still handsome, still so easily attached to people, more mature. His Junsu.

Jaejoong kisses him, just as he’s done so many times before. Junsu is soft and strong at the same time, and when Jaejoong pushes into him, on the couch in Jaejoong’s apartment that’s held too many of their moments together, Jaejoong knows without a doubt that he loves Junsu. Not passionately, not as if in a dream, but softly. Stably. In the forever kind of way.

Jaejoong fell out of love with Yunho and his obedient perfection a long time ago. Sometimes he thinks he fell out of love too late, after everything had already fractured between them and the words that he should’ve never said--deep, piercing words that he knows still hurt them both--had already left his lips. It would’ve been better, for the both of them, if their love had fizzled out slowly, softly, instead of with a blazing fire that leaves only ashes in its wake. But that’s not how it ended, and Jaejoong can’t do a damn thing now to change that. All he can do is to protect himself, to protect Junsu, to protect Yunho from his own tendencies even if Yunho isn’t Jaejoong’s to protect anymore.

“He’s bringing Taeyong.” The words make Jaejoong freeze, even as Heechul continues to rattle on without care. “It’ll do you some good to meet him, after all, I’m sure he’ll want to meet you. He is a Cassie, you know.”

Jaejoong hums, letting his fingers tap against his leg in the pattern that always demonstrates his annoyance. Heechul clearly doesn’t pick up on it, having become less and less familiar with Jaejoong’s cues over the years, but Junsu does, reaching out his own hand as an offering. Jaejoong doesn’t take it. Not yet.

Jaejoong has heard of Taeyong, of course. He’s heard about him from Heechul, from Changmin and Kyuhyun and all of the other SM idols that he still talks to. He’s heard about him from his other friends, both those inside and outside of the industry. He’s seen photos and videos of the kid, seen the countless comments that say that Taeyong is just like him. Looks and personality. Of course Yunho is bringing him. Of fucking course.

When they come in, half an hour later, Jaejoong does his best not to openly judge the way that Yunho so clearly has control over Taeyong--hand on wrist, arm around shoulder, a possessive distance between them. Jaejoong’s felt it all before. He can remember the way Yunho used to hold him, a possessive hand never allowing Jaejoong to stray too far. He can remember the way that Yunho would whisper things to him, a secret shared just for the two of them. He can rember the way that Yunho liked to finger him open in the silent dead of night, when it was just the two of them against the world. How pathetic a control Yunho holds.

Taeyong looks like a younger Jaejoong, even Jaejoong has to admit that that’s true. But Yunho is not the Yunho that used to hold Jaejoong--he’s older, stronger, should know by now that this is not okay. Taeyong is too young, too bright. One spark and he would burn for days, months, years, until there’s nothing left but the memory of a dream. Jaejoong can’t let that happen again. He won’t.

“Junsu,” he runs his fingers along the other man’s thigh, his touch always a reminder of the trust that they’ve put in each other, rather than some kind of one-sided control. “Can you distract Taeyong for a few minutes? I need to talk to Yunho alone.”

“Of course,” Junsu says under his breath, eyes locking with Jaejoong’s for half a second before he is off the couch, walking over to start talking to Taeyong. In half a minute, Junsu drags Taeyong off, the younger man following one of his idols with that same look of admiration in his eyes. Jaejoong drags Yunho down the hall, pushing him through the open bathroom door and locking it behind them. It’s time.

“You’re fucking him.” Jaejoong watches for Yunho’s reactions, for any kind of twitch of annoyance or fear or anything that’ll prove to Jaejoong that the man he once loved has any kind of self awareness.

“Yes, and?”

That sets Jaejoong off. How dare he act like this is all okay, like it’s anyone other than Taeyong? “He’s nine years younger than you. You’re his fucking idol, do you really think he’d say no to anything you asked him to do?” He takes slow, deliberate steps toward Yunho, until the space between them is uncomfortably close. He has the power here. Not Yunho. Not anymore. “And to top it all off, he looks so much like me that it makes it hard for me to believe that that’s not the only reason you’re fucking him.” Jaejoong wouldn’t have minded that Taeyong looked like him, if only Taeyong wasn’t so young, if only Taeyong could truly make his own choices in this. But Jaejoong still says it, because he knows that that’s what’ll get to Yunho. “It’s been a decade, Yunho, nearly ten fucking years and yet you’re still not over it. Don’t you think that’s a little pathetic? That after all these years you’re still chasing me when I moved on from you years ago?”

Jaejoong sees it, on Yunho’s face, before Yunho can say it. Yunho hates not having the power. “Have you?” He pauses, and Jaejoong has never felt as much pity for the man before him as he does now. “Wasn’t it you that said that you’d always be a part of TVXQ? That we’d always be together in spirit?”

Jaejoong doesn’t want to crush him, doesn’t want to hurt Yunho anymore than he already has over the years. But this isn’t about them, not really. And if he has to hurt Yunho to protect Taeyong, he’ll do it. “I said TVXQ. I never said anything about you and me.”

He backs off, the resigned, almost hurt look on Yunho’s face telling him everything that he needs to know. He moves to unlock the door, turning back to Yunho at the last second to give him a final warning, less pointed than his previous ones had been. “Just think about what I said, alright? Taeyong deserves better than this.”

Jaejoong asks Heechul for Taeyong’s phone number later, after Taeyong and Yunho have left. He types out a text from the passenger seat as Junsu drives them back to Junsu’s apartment.

_ I’m sorry if I came off as rude or angry at you tonight. Yunho and I were having a bit of an argument, and you unfortunately were caught in the middle of it. I want you to know that I don’t have anything against you, and that from what I’ve heard of your music you really are a great artist. Let me know if you would like to talk again, or if you ever need any kind of help. - JJ hyung _

It’s the kind of text that a younger Jaejoong would never have sent, never would have had the humility to send. But Jaejoong sends it; he sets his phone down on the dashboard and sighs. “I think I broke Yunho’s heart again tonight.”

Junsu doesn’t respond for a second, watching as the red light turns to green. “You did what you had to do, though, didn’t you?” Jaejoong doesn’t answer. “You were protecting him. And Taeyong. That’s what it was, right?”

Jaejoong hums his agreement, even though he knows that’s not the whole truth. “That’s what I told myself, but in the moment, it didn’t feel like that. I was just being cruel.”

“You say that as if Yunho didn’t already know you could be cruel,” Junsu comments. “You’ve always been that way. But you’re only like that when there’s a reason. I think Yunho knows that just as well as I do.” They pull into the parking garage of Junsu’s building, and once they are parked, engine off and seatbelts undone, Junsu leans over to take one of Jaejoong’s hands in his own, just for a half second. “He’ll forgive you. He always does.”

Jaejoong tries to keep that thought in mind, as the weeks and months pass by and Taeyong never replies to him, as Yunho keeps himself at a careful distance and Jaejoong is left to guess what must have happened between them. None of the others that Jaejoong asks seem to know, not even Changmin can tell him more than that he’s not seen Taeyong at Yunho’s apartment in a few months. It’s maddening not to know, but Jaejoong knows it’s not his place to interfere further.

It’s a few months later, when Jaejoong is laying in Junsu’s bed in the soft morning light, the sound of his lover singing in the shower echoing from the bathroom, that Jaejoong finally gets some kind of indication. His phone dings from the bedside table, and Jaejoong reaches out a lazy hand to pick it up.

_ You told him to let me go, didn’t you? _

It’s the only text he’s ever gotten from Taeyong. Jaejoong is quick to type a reply.

_ Did he finally follow my advice? _

He knows it’s a bit snarky, probably not what Taeyong needs to hear if Yunho really has just decided to finally end it. But Jaejoong has never been good at feelings, and if Taeyong’s heard anything about him, he’ll already know that.

_ He told me that I should find someone closer to my own age. _

Jaejoong nearly laughs at that. Of course Yunho would say it like that, instead of just saying what he really means.

_ He’s not wrong, you know. _

Taeyong’s reply comes quickly.

_ I do. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. _

Jaejoong takes a deep breath. He knows what that feels like, that realization in the pit of your stomach when you know it has to end but you still don’t want it to.

_ It hurts. It will hurt for a while. But if you’re anything like me--and people keep telling me you are--then you should know as well as I do that as much of an amazing person that Yunho is, we were never destined to be his for long. When you find the person who completes you, who really knows you and loves you despite all of your flaws, then you won’t regret letting Yunho go. _

The mattress dips next to Jaejoong, and he feels Junsu curl back up against him, the skin on his chest soft, barely dry, his hair still dripping softly onto Jaejoong’s shoulder. Jaejoong sets his phone down. “I think he’ll be alright,” Jaejoong says, dragging the fingers of one hand through Junsu’s hair, gently playing with the wet strands.

“Yunho?” 

“Taeyong.” Jaejoong leaves it at that. Junsu knows him well enough to infer the rest. Jaejoong sees his Junsu, in the morning light, and he wonders how they managed to come so far in the past ten years. Jaejoong kisses him, softly, playfully, more of a promise than any of the passionate kisses Jaejoong had shared with Yunho a decade ago.

For the last time, Jaejoong lets Yunho go.


End file.
